The Lenten Journey

Lent has begun for both Eastern and Western Christians. I found this video on Youtube that I thought was a beautiful prayer for the Lenten journey. May God bring us to greater depths of repentence and love during this season!

Lenten Prayer of St. Ephraim

O Lord and Master of my life,

Take from me the spirit of sloth,

faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility,

patience and love to thy servant.

Yes, O Lord and King,

Grant me to see my own sins

and not to judge my brother.

For Thou art Blessed unto ages of ages.

Amen.

my first visit with the Bishop

A Visit from Bishop JOSEPH

A couple of weeks ago, I had my first encounter with Bishop JOSEPH, Diocesan Bishop of Los Angeles and the West, in the Antiochian Archdiocese of the Orthodox Church. He came to visit the church that I attend, St. Barnabas. It was a unique and memorable experience. Bishop JOSEPH seemed to radiate with a love for Christ and genuine care for His Church. This made a deep impression upon me. In the liturgy that morning, I sensed the presence of God like I never have in my life. There was no doubt that Christ was in our midst! As I was in the liturgy, I began to reflect on how different my experience was of the Christian faith in that moment. There were no guitars, no drums, not even a variety of 'worship' expressions going fourth. There was no one who was shaking or having any physical manifestation of the 'holy spirit' as I had witnessed other places. Interestingly enough, however, the Holy Spirit was there. As I was there, I sensed a communion with the faithful saints that have gone before me. I sensed the spirit of the apostles in our midst. I felt the affirmation of God and the affirmation of the Holy Apostles that I was indeed right where I was supposed to be. There was nothing sensational about the moment but rather it was utterly divine. I began to weep and was overwhelmed with emotion--not because of any particular musical tone (though I'm not saying that is bad) but overwhelmed that God was there and there was such a safety in His arms.

I'm not sure if any of what I have said makes sense but I just didn't want to let this experience pass without making note of it on my blog.

class trip to the farm

The other day my class and I went on a field trip. We went to the Centennial Farms at the Costa Mesa fair grounds. If you ever have a chance, take your little ones there--it's free. Here's some pictures from our adventure.

my geetar

My geetar a.k.a. "guitar" but added the "gee" to emphasize the accent below. =). Today I decided to pull out my lovely Gibson and play her. She hasn't been played in awhile. It reminded how much I loved the sound of an acoustic guitar. It made me miss the many, many times I've played her as "unto the Lord" as I sang with my Christian brethren songs as prayers. It made me sad in some ways because I'm no longer in that time in my life. It made me doubt whether I should have given it up or given up such a place in Christendom. I have to remind myself today that my idea of church was never what was the idea of church for the first 1,000 years of Christianity. I have to remind myself that I'm small and a tiny piece of the big puzzle and that God honors humility. I pray He will give me new and creative ways to integrate my geetar into the stage of life that I am now in.

So for those who have never witnessed the beauty of her......here she is: Gibson Songwriter Deluxe.

one of those days

Today was just one of those days.....you know the kind where you just plopp yourself down on your bed in exhaustian kind. The kids at school seemed hard today, teaching seemed hard today, everything just seemed a little harder today. My nose is stuffy and my throat hurts--seems like a cold is coming on or it is just the result of physical tiredness. So on this day, just I just stop by the blog world and have little to say but "it's just one of those days." We all have 'em. So I say a prayer, lay my head on the pillow to wake up tomorrow and do it again. Tomorrow my mole hill will not seem like the mountain it does this eve.

(my hair by the end of the week =) LOL)

pj day at school

Today was pajama day at school. My first graders loved it of course! They looked sweet in their pajamas. I joined in with the school spirit. No other job is it "appropriate attire" to wear pajamas to work......except when teaching little ones! For those who know the story of some, in the ladies category, top row, second on the left is cassidycat. In the gentlemen category, bottom row, first on the left, is daddy dadee, you know who! =)

Ladies first! Gentlemen

little space for prayer

So I decided to keep on this theme of photographs again for today. Here is a picture of one of my little spaces for prayer.

a new year with friends

Wendy and Lady V at the fun progressive dinner! Thanks Brauns and Berry's!

my day at the park

So most you might not know that taking pictures is a hobby of mine. I don't do it that often and think I have much room to improve but am trying to start taking them more often. If you've ever been to my house, you will see many of my framed photographs from various parts of the world. There is a local nature center that I love to go to so I decided that this would be where I would try the sport of photography. Some of the pictures aren't so great but each one reminds me so much of the peace of God.

Enjoy!

A Word of Wisdom from Tertullian

"a controversy over the Scriptures can produce nothing more than. . . a headache and a stomachache"

-Tertullian

Oh how true this is!

Just For Laughs!

To Know God

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

I love how the greetings of the Church change according to the calendar. Even these greetings changing are to me a reminder of Christ. Just one more reminder, that has been given to me by the wisdom of saints of old. I know that I need all the reminders that I can get to remember God. I am so thankful in this new year that I have so many tangible reminders at my finger tips of God's presence. I have the nave and the narthex of the church building. I have the icons that remind me that my faith is alive and it is bigger than me. I have the icons also to remind me that I am never alone in my Christian struggle. Many saints have gone before and many will follow. The candles lit before them remind me that the light of Christ shines in them and that same Light shines in me through the Holy Spirit. I have the sweet smell of incense reminding me that God hears our prayers that rise to Him like the incense rises to my nostrils. The vestments and even the colors of them remind me to remember the life of Christ and of His saints. I have the Holy Scriptures--I can read them and I can hear them. I am reminded of God's presence every time I see a human being. We are the living icon of God. We were made in His image. When I see people, I also am reminded of God. Of course I always have the witness of creation to remind me again of the Divine Presence.

Today I find myself so thankful that I have been given so many ways, so many helpful tools, to know God and experience Him. May this new year be filled with greater depths into God!

The Truth

“In Christianity truth is not a philosophical concept nor is it a theory, a teaching, or a system, but rather, it is the living theanthropic hypostasis - the historical Jesus Christ (John 14:6). Before Christ men could only conjecture about the Truth since they did not possess it. With Christ as the incarnate divine Logos the eternally complete divine Truth enters into the world. For this reason the Gospel says: ‘Truth came by Jesus Christ’ (John 1:17).”

-- St. Justin Popovich

Description of the Icon "Jesus, Lover of Humanity"

This icon (4 feet x 2 feet) depicts Jesus, the Compassionate One with open arms embracing the Father's creation. His standing in a dynamic position signifies His ongoing and sacramental presence to the Church by the Holy Spirit.

In keeping with the Syriac art tradition of the monk Rubbula from 586 A.D., the arches and dome represent the life of glory in the heavenly kingdom, the immortality and the incorruptibility of eternal life.
The Rubbula cross, (a cross within a circle) symbolizes 1) that all life comes from and returns to God; and 2) that our earthly existence is divinized by Jesus, the Savior of the world.

The icon's panels on each side of the Lord represent two miracles He performed. The left panel represents Christ healing the paralytic man and restoring him to wholeness and health of body and spirit. The right panel depicts Christ with the apostles performing the miracle of the loaves and fishes and feeding His followers, a theme which has overtones of Christ's feeding the Church in His Eucharist.

Christian Video Game? To be or not to be..?

Wow! Any thoughts out there in cyberspace? Things are getting crazy out there!

Groups urge chain to drop Christian game
By Hiawatha Bray, Globe Staff December 13, 2006

A coalition of liberal groups has launched an effort to persuade Wal-Mart to stop selling "Left Behind: Eternal Forces," a Christian video game in which players can kill unbelievers.

"It's very dangerous for civilized society and for constitutional democracy itself," said Frederick Clarkson editor of Talk2Action.org, a liberal religious website. Clarkson has joined forces with two other groups, the Campaign to Defend the Constitution and the Christian Alliance for Progress, to urge Wal-Mart to halt sale s of the game.

"Left Behind: Eternal Forces" was inspired by a series of novels that have sold more than 60 million copies. The books describe "the Rapture," a concept from fundamentalist Christian theology in which all true believers in Jesus Christ mysteriously disappear and go to heaven, leaving Earth inhabited only by unbelievers. In the books, many of those left behind become Christians, while others join forces with an evil politician who is eventually revealed as the Antichrist, enemy of all religions and all virtue.

In the game, Christians travel through New York City, converting "neutral" citizens to the faith, and trying to stay out of the clutches of the Antichrist's minions. The game encourages players to use prayer and the singing of hymns to defend themselves. But they can also create military units that can kill the Antichrist's forces.

This aspect dismayed Timothy F. Simpson, a Presbyterian pastor and interim president of the Christian Alliance for Progress. Simpson said "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" was "antithetical to the gospel of Jesus Christ" and urged Wal-Mart to withdraw "a dangerous and immoral game."
But Wal-Mart shows no sign of bowing to the game's critics. "As always, the decision on what merchandise we offer in our stores is based on what we think our customers want the opportunity to buy," said a statement issued by the company.
Left Behind Games co founder Troy Lyndon said the game is presently sold in only about 200 of Wal-Mart's 3,800 US stores. "It really wouldn't affect us much if they took it out of Wal-Mart anyway," he said.

Indeed, Lyndon said he resisted selling the game in more Wal-Mart stores, because he doesn't like the way the giant retailer is marketing it. Lyndon said that Wal-Mart puts the game in its computer gaming section. That would normally make sense, but this game is intended for Christian consumers who aren't avid gamers and usually don't visit that part of the store. That's why Lyndon's company is also pushing the game in Christian bookstores. Lyndon said that early sales of the game have been "terrific," but refused to provide specific data.
Lyndon said the campaign against the game could boost sales. "We're excited in some regard about the press, because it's getting people to say, 'What's up with this thing?' " But he also worries that over time, the criticism could depress sales. "If they . . . start ranting and raving," Lyndon said, "it could be damaging."

Lyndon rejected his critics' claims that the game celebrates violence and religious intolerance. "There's no killing in the name of God," he said. While players can use violence to achieve objectives, repeated use of deadly force will cause a player's soldiers to desert to the enemy. Lyndon said avid gamers would never play "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" if it had no violence. But he said the game gives its greatest rewards to those who use nonviolence to win.
But Talk2Action's Clarkson said the game, which is rated T for teenagers and older, teaches intolerance and brutality in the name of God. He called it "an instructional video for religious warfare."

© Copyright 2006 The New York Times Company

forgive us. . . as we forgive those who trespass against us

Prayer Regarding Critics and Enemies by Serbian Orthodox Bishop

By Bishop Nikolai Velimirovic, Serbian bishop who spoke out against Naziism, was arrested, and taken to Dachau.
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Enemies have driven me into your embrace more than friends have.
Friends have bound me to earth; enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.

Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world.
Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath Your tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless and do not curse them.
They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world. They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself. They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments. They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself. They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance. Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish. Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a [fly].

Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background.
Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand.
Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep.
Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life, they have demolished it and driven me out.

Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of your garment.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me:
So that my fleeing will have no return; So that all my hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs; So that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul; So that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins: arrogance and anger;
So that I might amass all my treasure in heaven; Ah, so that I may for once be freed from self-deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.

Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself. One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.

It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies. Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies. A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand. But a son blesses them, for he understands.
For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life. Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them. Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

a quote and a picture

“And if any were to cast in prison a person who owed ten mites, and not the man himself only, but wife and children and servants for his sake; and another were to come and not to pay down the ten mites only, but to give also ten thousand talents of gold, and to lead the prisoner into the king’s courts, and to the throne of the highest power, and were to make him partaker of the highest honour and every kind of magnificence, the creditor would not be able to remember the ten mites; so hath our case been. For Christ hath paid down far more than we owe, yea as much more as the illimitable ocean is than a little drop.”

- ST. John Chrysostom, Epistle to the Romans, Homily X, Rom 5:17

Jeffrey Dahmer: Citizen of Heaven??

I found this article on belief.net. I found the concept quite fascinating. Any thoughts out there?
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Saving Jeffrey Dahmer
The world knew Jeffrey Dahmer as a hardened killer. But one pastor knew him as a forgiven sinner.

By Roy Ratcliff with Lindy Adams

When Wisconsin minister Roy Ratcliff received a phone call that an inmate at a nearby prison wanted to be baptized, he had no idea that the prisoner in question was Jeffrey Dahmer--a man known worldwide for his crimes of murder, dismemberment and cannibalism.
After performing the requested baptism in 1994, Ratcliff began traveling to the prison for weekly one-hour meetings with Dahmer. In a new book, Ratcliff discusses his experiences--and whether Dahmer's conversion was genuine.

One of the most common questions put to me about Jeff has to do with the sincerity of his faith. And I usually hear this from Christians. They ask if Jeff was truly sincere in his desire for baptism and in his Christian life. My answer is always the same: Yes, I am convinced he was sincere.

This question bothers me. Why question the sincerity of another person’s faith? Baptism represents a change in lifestyle. A person is expected to change after being baptized. When people don’t change, we begin to wonder. Why were they baptized? Did they did not fully comprehend what was involved?

I can understand those kinds of questions.

But Jeff’s circumstance was different. The people asking me didn’t know about his post-baptismal life. They were basing their question on what he did before he was baptized, not after. That bothers me.

Jeff was judged not by his faith, but by his crimes. The questioner always seemed to hope I’d answer: “No, he wasn’t sincere.” The questioner seemed to be looking for a way to reject Jeffrey as a brother in Christ instead of seeing him as a sinner who has come to God. The subtext of such questions was simple. They didn’t want to think of Jeff as a brother. Such ungraciousness is contrary to the Christian spirit.

Was Jeff saved? Were his sins taken away? Is he a Christian believer? Did he repent of his sins? Or was the blood of Christ shed on the cross somehow too weak, too thin, too anemic to cover his sins? Did Jeff mean it when he said, “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. God help me, I’ll never do that again”?

Why was it inconceivable that Jeffrey Dahmer could come to faith?

I became convinced of Jeff’s sincerity by one happening. On a certain visit we came to the end of our study time together. The prison guard had given us the signal, but right then, before I stood to leave, Jeff bared his soul.

“I feel very, very bad about the crimes I’ve committed. In fact, I think I should have been put to death by the state for what I did.”

“I agree with you,” I said. “You should have been put to death by the state for the crimes you committed.”

He replied, “If that is true, am I sinning against God by continuing to live?”

“Boy, you sure picked a time to bring this up,” I answered. “We can’t go into all this now, but I can see where you are going.” I asked him to read the first half of Romans 13 (13:1-7) before my next visit. “That passage relates to your question,” I said.

“I will. Take care – I’ll see you next time,” he said as I left.

On the drive home all this ran through my mind. Jeff was thinking of suicide. Would he take matters into his own hands and kill himself? Did he feel so bad about himself that he no longer wanted to live?

At my next meeting with Jeff, I began with his question, “Am I sinning against God by continuing to live?”

I told him, “Romans 13 does say God has placed a sword in the hand of the governing authority. That’s why I agreed with you last week when you said you thought the state should have put you to death.”

“Yes,” he replied. “But has the state failed its duty by not putting me to death?”

“I can’t answer that question. I can say that God has put a sword in the state’s hand, and the state has that right from God. This state has apparently chosen to lay down its sword and take up a rod instead.

“What is our responsibility to the state?” I asked him.

“Well, it says the Christian must submit to the governing authority,” Jeff replied.

“Right. We aren’t to judge the state for what the state has decided to do, but submit to the state. By continuing to live, you are submitting to the state.”

“I see,” he said, thinking about what I had said.

“What that means is that you must try to be the best prisoner you can be. You must not disobey the rules, nor subvert the system. You accept your position as a prisoner of the state for life, and serve God as best as you can for as long as God allows you to live.”

“Okay,” was all he said.

But I wasn’t finished with him yet. “When you ask, ‘Am I sinning by continuing to live?’ are you implying that you are thinking of suicide?” I pressed.

“Yes, I admit I’ve thought of suicide. But when I thought I should take my life, I just couldn’t do it,” he confessed. "My main concern is that I do the right thing,“ he replied.

After that, how could I question Jeff’s sincerity? Jeff wanted to please God. He knew he had done terrible things, and he needed me to tell him that his life mattered regardless. I could relate to how he felt. I understood his heart.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/203/story_20399_1.html

A Good Dose of C.S. Lewis

"Prostitutes are in no danger of finding their present life so satisfactory that they cannot turn to God: the proud, the avaricious, the self-righteous, are in that danger."

--The Problem of Pain (200)

Narnia and the Atonement?

Many people were moved in the last few years over the newly done "The Chronicles of Narnia." I know I was excited to see it, as many others were, Christian and non. I particularly was excited to see it because I was interested in seeing the spiritual truths and analogies used by C.S. Lewis in his classic that I wasn't at a younger age probably keen to pick up.

So, upon the release, I went with the masses to see this beloved story made film. I can say that it touched me in a way beyond my expectations. For it was here in the "Chronicles of Narnia" that I was deeply moved by the offering of Aslan of himself in place of the boy Edmund, so that he might be freed from the White Witch and her dominion. Aslan took the place of the "traitor" and was killed by those in the Witch's kingdom. I was so struck here by the picture of Christ giving Himself as an offering for me. Edmund, the boy who should have been the one killed, is spared by the love of Aslan. So it is that Christ gave Himself, to be put to death by the kingdom of darkness, so that the enemy could be satisfied. But as Christ rose from the dead, so does Aslan. Aslan shows that the White Witch has no power over him and his kingdom. The movie ends with the "daughters of Eve" and the "sons of Adam" being crowned as kings and queens of Narnia. In this picture, I was moved by the love of God displayed in the offering of Christ.

I later discovered that Lewis was in fact bringing words and pictures to something that many of the early Christians believed about the Christ's atonement for us. And Disney took Lewis' work and displayed the magnificence of this "rescue"also known in theology as the Ransom View of the atonement. It was in this film that I was stunned by the deep love of God, something that I understood for that moment in time.

Many of my protestant friends, as I have been looking in Eastern Orthodoxy, interestingly enough bring up the atonement quite often. They don't "agree" with the Orthodox and are "concerned" about my views. Funny, many of them went to see "The Chronicles of Narnia" and saw Christ. And when I think about the atonement, it is this ransom of Christ giving Himself as an offering so that the Evil One might be defeated, that I rest my faith. Many of these friends would agree with me until they hear that it isn't the modern understanding of the atonement.

It wasn't until the 11th century that a Western theologian brought further details to this that were not what the Church seemed to believe for the first 10 centuries. Up until Anselm, an archbishop of Canterbury, Christ' death had been chiefly understood as a ransom from the devil. Frederica Matthewes-Green explains, "The wages of sin is death,' and due to our sins we were enslaved by death, poisoned and helpless to resist sin. Christ comes on a rescue mission, and in the process he suffers.....As a human, he dies and gains entrance to Hades; once there He blasts it open, as God, and sets the captives free."

What is interesting is that in western theology, in 'Satisfaction Theory', the Father is the one who needs to be appeased and it is the Father who demands this. However, Gregory of Nazianzus in the 4th century (closer in proximity to the apostles) protested that the question of "Who received the payment?" should not be pressed hard. Matthewes says regarding this, "No matter what the debt the Devil was owed it could not possibly have included God himself. On the other hand, the Father could not have been the recipient of the ransom, since he was not the one holding us captive. And if the blood of Isaac had not please him, why would he desire the blood of his beloved son? In fact, Nazianzus sums up: the Father accepts Christ's sacrifice without having demanded it; the Son offers it to honor him; and the result is the defeat of the Evil One. 'This is as much as we shall say of Christ; the greater portion shall be reverenced with silence.' "

In closing, I feel that Frederica sums it up well here,

"Anselm took aim at the exaggerated versions of the ransom theory, but didn’t agree to leave the greater portion to silence. He theorized that the payment *was* made to God the Father. In Anselm’s formulation, our sins were like an offense against the honor of a mighty ruler. The ruler is not free to simply forgive the transgression; restitution must be made. (This is a crucial new element in the story; earlier Christians believed that God the Father did, in fact, freely forgive us, like the father of the Prodigal Son.) No human would be adequate to pay this debt, so God the Son volunteers to do so. "If the Son chose to make over the claim He had on God to man, could the Father justly forbid Him doing so, or refuse to man what the Son willed to give him?" Christ satisfies our debt in this, the "Satisfaction Theory.""And that has made all the difference," as a tousled Yankee poet liked to say. Western Christian theology marched on from that point, encountering controversies and developments and revisions, but locked on the idea that Christ’s death was directed toward the Father. When Western theologians look back at the centuries before Anselm they can’t find his theory anywhere (well, there are some premonitions in Tertullian and Cyprian, but it wasn’t the mainstream.). You can read St. Paul to support the "satisfaction" view, so Anselm is hailed as the first theologian to understand St. Paul.That’s a stretch, though. Would Christians really have misunderstood their salvation for a thousand years? Did the people Paul wrote his letters to have no idea what he was talking about? Did the early martyrs die without understanding the Cross that saved them? Why would the Holy Spirit permit such a thing, if He was sent to lead them into all truth? Is the "plain meaning of Scripture" is so obscure that it couldn’t be discerned for a thousand years, and then only by someone from a culture utterly different from its authors?Western theologians search the pre-Anselmian millennium and can’t find the theory they’re after, but fail to see the theory that permeates there. Before Anselm, the problem salvation addresses is seen as located within us. We are infected by Death as a result of Adam’s fall. This infection will cause us be to spiritually sick and to commit sin, both voluntarily and as a result of the Devil’s deceptions. Christ offers to rescue us in accord with the Father’s will, like the young police officer above. In this action, God the Father and the Son are united: "God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself."That’s the "before" snapshot. With Anselm, the problem salvation addresses is between us and God (we have a debt we can’t pay). After Anselm it is even sometimes formulated as *within* God (His wrath that won’t be quenched until the debt is paid). This theory loses the unity of will between the Father and Son; it can appear that the Son has to overcome the Father’s resistance. It loses the idea that the sickness is within us, and we need to be healed; it can appear that a legal acquittal is sufficient and a transformed life a nice afterthought at most."

I have decided for myself that the next time someone wants to be concerned about the eastern view of atonement, and my life, that I am much more comfortable, biblically, siding with that of the earliest Christians.

*If you would like to read all of Frederica Matthewes-Green's article that is quoted from here, here is the website: http://www.frederica.com/writings/the-meaning-of-christs-suffering.html

Some thoughts on Ted Haggard

I have read some interesting and note worthy thoughts by Christians on what has happened with Ted Haggard. I offer two below. The first is taken from a post from Scott McKnight's Blog www.jesuscreed.org. He has some noteworthy thoughts regarding the evangelical Christian world and what can be learned from it. Below that, is an article taken from Frederica Matthewes-Green's website www.frederica.com and was found, as well, on First Things website www.firstthings.com.

Most who know me, would know that this story would be of special interest to me.

Scott McKnight on Ted Haggard
"And I wonder what we can learn from yet another moral collapse of an evangelical leader.
What is perhaps saddest is that this has gone on for a long time in his life. I’m not sure making more or new accountability structures for leaders is the place to start, though I’m quite sure we will all begin to think about this more.

But, what I find here is what I want to call the evangelical environment. In evangelicalism, and the charismatic stream in which Ted Haggard swims, sin is bad and sin by leaders is real bad. This leads to a complex of features that creates a serious problem:

1. Christians, and not just pastors, do not feel free to disclose sins to anyone;
2. Christians, including pastors, sin and sin all the time;
3. Christians, including pastors, in evangelicalism do not have a mechanism of confession;
4. Christians and pastors, because of the environment of condemnation of sin and the absence of a mechanism of confession, bottle up their sins, hide their sins, and create around themselves an apparent purity and a reality of unconfessed/unadmitted sin.
5. When Christians do confess, and it is often only after getting caught, they are eaten alive by fellow evangelicals — thus leading some to deeper levels of secrecy and deceit.

What we saw with Haggard is not just about leaders; it is about all of us"

Ted Haggard and Suffering Frederica Matthewes-Green
Posted Tuesday, November 7, 2006
[First Things, November 7, 2006]
I was in Denver for about a hundred minutes this weekend. I hadn’t planned it, but when I arrived at the airport Friday morning to begin my journey to Calgary, I was surprised to see that’s where I would change planes. The story about Ted Haggard had hit the news the night before, and I had been for some reason really moved by it. I walked through the Denver airport praying the Jesus Prayer for him: “Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on Ted.” That whatever needed to happen would happen, and that it would be used for Ted’s ultimate healing. And I prayed for his wife, Gayle, and their five children. I cannot imagine their pain.

I was probably not the only person who found his initial response suspicious: “I did not have a homosexual relationship with a man in Denver.” Imagine that you’re a guy, and a male escort you’ve never heard of suddenly announces to the press that you two have been in a sexual relationship for years. After you got through screaming “WHAT?!?” for a few hours, you would say, “This is really sick and creepy and repulsive. I have never met this guy. It is scary to think anyone could have this kind of full-blown delusional fantasy going on. This is some kind of John Mark Karr thing. I’m disgusted, and I feel stalked, and am talking to the police about protection.”

So “I did not have a homosexual relationship with a man in Denver” was pretty feeble. “In Denver”?

But in the rush of travel, I didn’t catch any images of Haggard until the return trip Saturday; I didn’t know what he looked like. An airline rescheduling unexpectedly brought me back through Denver on the way home — that had the looks of something God-arranged. This time while praying my way through the airport I spotted some newspaper dispensers with Haggard’s name in the top headlines. I knelt to read the stories and saw that sad truths were coming to the surface.

But I also saw a photo of Haggard, and for the first time connected a face with the name. So that’s the guy! I had seen this face before, I guess in photos of evangelical leaders. It sure had struck me as a crazy-scary one – somebody I’d instinctively step away from. The zones of his face are sending out conflicting messages. It looks like both terror and attack. The overall effect is frenzied.

Ted wrote in the letter read to his church on Sunday: “There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it all my life.”

In the Eastern Orthodox Church, we speak of the impulses that move us toward any kind of sin as “passions.” You shouldn’t think of this term as related to “passionate.” It’s more like “passive.” (As in “The Passion of Christ;” his passion is what he endured.)

These impulses beat us up. They originate as thoughts, sometimes as thoughts that evade full consciousness. The roots are tangled with memories, shame, anger, fear—and the thoughts are also very often inaccurate.

All this mess damages our ability to see the world clearly. We go on misreading situations and other people, and venture further into confusion. The illness compounds itself, to the delight of the Evil One who nurtures lies and has no compassion on the weak. To him, the weak are breakfast.

Eastern Christianity speaks of this as the darkening of the nous, that is, of the perceptive center of a person. (Most English bibles translate nous as “mind,” but that’s not quite it; the nous is not the rational intellect, but a perceiving faculty. Thoughts and emotions are subsequent reactions to the nous’ perceptions.) The damaged nous is like a pair of glasses fitted with distorting lenses. It needs healing.

The Greek word represented by this kind of “passion” is “pathos.” It means suffering. It is because we are helpless in our suffering that Christ came. He took on vulnerable human form, and went into the realm of Death and defeated the Evil One. Now we are invited to gradually return to health, by fully assimilating the truth that sets us free – by assimilating the presence and life of Christ himself. “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me,” St Paul said. This life fills and changes us like fire fills a piece of coal.

In the Eastern Christian understanding, sins are not “bad deeds” that must be made up in order to satisfy justice. They are instead like bad fruit, which indicates a sickness inside the tree (the analogy Jesus uses in Matthew 7:7-8). Sin is infection, not infraction. And God not only forgives freely, but sent his Son to rescue us when we were helpless.

With God’s help, we begin to heal. Like an athlete striving for the prize (I Cor 9:24, Phil 3:14, 2 Timothy 2:5) we resist succumbing to lying thoughts. The ancient spiritual disciplines – continual prayer, fasting, and love of others – are like the exercises in a time-tested workout routine. They make us stronger. When we fall, we get up. This is a life of continual repentance – and you can see in that word re-pent, “re-think.” Salvation is health, and health comes from knowing the truth and resisting lies. This gradually heals the nous so that it is restored to its original purpose: to perceive God’s light permeating all Creation.

St. Paul writes, “Be transformed by the renewal of your nous.” The biblical word for repentance, meta-noia, means literally the transformation of the nous. We are welcomed into God’s kingdom in an instant, as we see in the story of the Good Thief; but full healing comes slowly, and will continue every day that we live.

So it is a mistake to present Christianity the way some churches do, as if it is the haven of seamlessly well-adjusted, proper people. That results in a desperate artificial sheen. It results in treating worship as a consumer product, which must deliver better intellectual or emotional gratification than the competition. And that sends suffering people home again, still lonely, in their separate metal capsules.

What all humans have in common is our “pathos.” Getting honest about that binds us together. And then we begin to see how the mercy of God is pouring down on all of us all the time, just as the Good Samaritan bound the wounds of the beaten man with healing oil. May God give this healing mercy to Ted and Gayle, and to their children. May God reveal his healing mercy to Michael Jones, who told the truth. May God have mercy on all of us.