what makes me to cry....

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
-C.S. Lewis


Honestly, when I hear quotes like the one above, it makes me feel like crying. It makes me feel like crying because I hear how hard it is to live this out. I feel like one of my biggest 'crosses' to carry so far in my life has been to learn how to forgive. I have been through things that feel like forgiving a person would feel as though God were asking me to rip my heart out. I know that sounds dramatic but it is true for me. I have been there in prayer, lamenting to God, 'it's too hard....help me. I feel You are asking me to do the impossible. Please forgive me....help me.....help me to do this." It seems God takes me through situation after situation these last few years where I have to learn to forgive. I have to learn to forgive when forgiving doesn't make sense. I have to learn to forgive in the face of pain,betrayal, loss, and lack of understanding. I am still learning this and when I think about--which is just about every day, I hear my heart cry, "Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy." I pray one day I will be able to fully pray with confidence "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

Akathist Hymn to the Sweet Lord Jesus Christ

Today I read "The Akathist to the Sweet Lord Jesus Christ." It is a prayer that is usually said standing (as the word infers in the Greek, so I hear)in honor, a prayer of praise. I put some parts below that stuck out to me. I would love to hear the whole thing chanted but don't know when in the Church calendar that happens. Until then, I try to reflect on the words and to mean them with sincerity.

Eikos 4
When the blind man heard You, O Lord, passing by, he cried: Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me! And You called him and open his eyes. Therefore, by Your mercy enlighten the spiritual eyes of my heart as I cry to You and say:

Jesus, Creator of those on high.

Jesus, Redeemer of those below.

Jesus, Vanquisher of the nethermost powers.

Jesus, Adorner of every creature.

Jesus, Comforter of my soul.

Jesus, Enlightener of my mind.

Jesus, Gladness of my heart.

Jesus, Health of my body.

Jesus, my Saviour, save me.

Jesus, my Light, enlighten me.

Jesus, from all torment deliver me.

Jesus, save me who am unworthy.

Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.

Eikos 6
When the light of Your truth shone in the world, devilish delusion was driven away; for the idols, O our Saviour, have fallen, unable to endure Your power. But we who have received salvation cry to You:

Jesus, Truth dispelling falsehood.

Jesus, Light transcending every light.

Jesus, King surpassing all in strength.

Jesus, God constant in mercy.

Jesus, Bread of life, fill me who am hungry.

Jesus, Well-spring of knowledge, refresh me who am thirsty.

Jesus, Garment of gladness, clothe me who am naked.

Jesus, Haven of joy, shelter me who am unworthy.

Jesus, Giver to those who ask, grant me mourning for my sins.

Jesus, Finder of those who seek, find my soul.

Jesus, Opener to those who knock, open my hardened heart.

Jesus, Redeemer of sinners, wash away my sins.

Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.

Eikos 12
Whilst hymning Your Incarnation, we all praise You, and with Thomas we believe that You are our Lord and God, Who sits with the Father, and shall come to judge the living and the dead. Grant that I may then stand at Your right hand, who now cry:

Jesus, King of peace, bestow Your peace upon me.

Jesus, sweet-scented Flower, make me fragrant.

Jesus, longed for Warmth, warm me.

Jesus, eternal Temple, shelter me.Jesus, splendid Garment, adorn me.

Jesus, Pearl of great price, enrich me.

Jesus, precious Stone, illumine me.

Jesus, Sun of Righteousness, shine on me.

Jesus, holy Light, make me radiant.

Jesus, deliver me from infirmity of soul and body.

Jesus, rescue me from the hands of the adversary.

Jesus, save me from the everlasting torments.

Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.

Kontakion 13
O most sweet and tender-loving Jesus, receive this our small supplication, as You received the widow's mite; and preserve Your inheritance from all enemies, visible and invisible, from invasion of aliens, from disease and famine, from all tribulations and mortal wounds, and deliver from future torments all who cry to You: Alleluia.

Ending With:

Creator of Angels and Lord of Hosts, as of old You opened the ear and tongue of him that was deaf and dumb, so now open my perplexed mind and tongue to praise Your most holy Name, that I may cry to You:

Jesus, most wonderful, Astonishment of Angels.

Jesus, most powerful, Deliverance of Forefathers.

Jesus, most sweet, Exultation of Patriarchs.

Jesus, most glorious, Dominion of kings.

Jesus, most desired, Fulfillment of Prophets.

Jesus, most praised, Steadfastness of Martyrs.

Jesus, most gladsome, Comfort of monastics.

Jesus, most compassionate, Sweetness of presbyters.

Jesus, most merciful, Abstinence of fasters.

Jesus, most tender, joy of the righteous.

Jesus, most pure, Sobriety of virgins.

Jesus, pre-eternal, Salvation of sinners.

Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.

AMEN.

A Sunday to Cherish the Cross Approaches

This last week I have begun to really 'feel' the fast of Lent. I've been told that actually that is normal. This is the week, half way mark of Lent, that most begin to really "feel" the fast and begin to tire, experiencing many cravings and temptations. Interesting that this is exactly why the half way mark of Lent, the 3rd Sunday of Lent, is the veneration of the Cross. The Cross is what we need. The Cross reminds us. In Lent, we embrace the cross. As we embrace it we partake in the sufferings of Christ. Oh so much greater the joy of the Resurrection after embracing the suffering and sacrifice of the Cross!

"The Cross, is wood which lifts us up and makes us great ... The Cross uprooted us from the depths of evil and elevated us to the summit of virtue". St John Chrysostom

"Shine, Cross of the Lord, shine with the light of thy grace upon the hearts of those that honor thee. With love inspired by God, we embrace thee, O desire of all the world. Through thee our tears of sorrow have been wiped away: we have been delivered from the snares of death and have passed over to unending joy. Show us the glory of thy beauty and grant to us thy servants the reward of our abstinence, for we entreat with faith thy rich protection and great mercy. Hail! life-giving Cross, the fair Paradise of the Church, Tree of incorruption that brings us the enjoyment of eternal glory: through thee the hosts of demons have been driven back; and the hierarchies of angels rejoice with one accord, as the congregations of the faithful keep the feast. Thou art an invincible weapon, an unbroken stronghold; thou art the victory of kings and the glory of priests. Grant us now to draw near to the Passion of Christ and to His Resurrection. Hail! life-giving Cross, unconquerable trophy of the true faith, door to Paradise, succor of the faithful, rampart set about the Church. Through thee the curse is utterly destroyed, the power of death is swallowed up, and we are raised from earth to heaven: invincible weapon, adversary of demons, glory of martyrs, true ornament of holy monks, haven of salvation bestowing on the world great mercy. Come, Adam and Eve, our first father and mother, who fell from the choir on high through the envy of the murderer of man, when of old with bitter pleasure ye tasted from the tree in Paradise. See, the Tree of the Cross, revered by all, draws near! Run with haste and embrace it joyfully, and cry to it with faith: O precious Cross, thou art our succor; partaking of thy fruit, we have gained incorruption; we are restored once more to Eden, and we have received great mercy. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages, Amen."

Great Vespers on Saturday Evening before the Third Sunday of Lent, The Adoration of the Precious and Life-Giving Cross

The Lenten Journey

Lent has begun for both Eastern and Western Christians. I found this video on Youtube that I thought was a beautiful prayer for the Lenten journey. May God bring us to greater depths of repentence and love during this season!

Lenten Prayer of St. Ephraim

O Lord and Master of my life,

Take from me the spirit of sloth,

faint-heartedness, lust of power, and idle talk.

But give rather the spirit of chastity, humility,

patience and love to thy servant.

Yes, O Lord and King,

Grant me to see my own sins

and not to judge my brother.

For Thou art Blessed unto ages of ages.

Amen.

my first visit with the Bishop

A Visit from Bishop JOSEPH

A couple of weeks ago, I had my first encounter with Bishop JOSEPH, Diocesan Bishop of Los Angeles and the West, in the Antiochian Archdiocese of the Orthodox Church. He came to visit the church that I attend, St. Barnabas. It was a unique and memorable experience. Bishop JOSEPH seemed to radiate with a love for Christ and genuine care for His Church. This made a deep impression upon me. In the liturgy that morning, I sensed the presence of God like I never have in my life. There was no doubt that Christ was in our midst! As I was in the liturgy, I began to reflect on how different my experience was of the Christian faith in that moment. There were no guitars, no drums, not even a variety of 'worship' expressions going fourth. There was no one who was shaking or having any physical manifestation of the 'holy spirit' as I had witnessed other places. Interestingly enough, however, the Holy Spirit was there. As I was there, I sensed a communion with the faithful saints that have gone before me. I sensed the spirit of the apostles in our midst. I felt the affirmation of God and the affirmation of the Holy Apostles that I was indeed right where I was supposed to be. There was nothing sensational about the moment but rather it was utterly divine. I began to weep and was overwhelmed with emotion--not because of any particular musical tone (though I'm not saying that is bad) but overwhelmed that God was there and there was such a safety in His arms.

I'm not sure if any of what I have said makes sense but I just didn't want to let this experience pass without making note of it on my blog.

class trip to the farm

The other day my class and I went on a field trip. We went to the Centennial Farms at the Costa Mesa fair grounds. If you ever have a chance, take your little ones there--it's free. Here's some pictures from our adventure.

my geetar

My geetar a.k.a. "guitar" but added the "gee" to emphasize the accent below. =). Today I decided to pull out my lovely Gibson and play her. She hasn't been played in awhile. It reminded how much I loved the sound of an acoustic guitar. It made me miss the many, many times I've played her as "unto the Lord" as I sang with my Christian brethren songs as prayers. It made me sad in some ways because I'm no longer in that time in my life. It made me doubt whether I should have given it up or given up such a place in Christendom. I have to remind myself today that my idea of church was never what was the idea of church for the first 1,000 years of Christianity. I have to remind myself that I'm small and a tiny piece of the big puzzle and that God honors humility. I pray He will give me new and creative ways to integrate my geetar into the stage of life that I am now in.

So for those who have never witnessed the beauty of her......here she is: Gibson Songwriter Deluxe.

one of those days

Today was just one of those days.....you know the kind where you just plopp yourself down on your bed in exhaustian kind. The kids at school seemed hard today, teaching seemed hard today, everything just seemed a little harder today. My nose is stuffy and my throat hurts--seems like a cold is coming on or it is just the result of physical tiredness. So on this day, just I just stop by the blog world and have little to say but "it's just one of those days." We all have 'em. So I say a prayer, lay my head on the pillow to wake up tomorrow and do it again. Tomorrow my mole hill will not seem like the mountain it does this eve.

(my hair by the end of the week =) LOL)

pj day at school

Today was pajama day at school. My first graders loved it of course! They looked sweet in their pajamas. I joined in with the school spirit. No other job is it "appropriate attire" to wear pajamas to work......except when teaching little ones! For those who know the story of some, in the ladies category, top row, second on the left is cassidycat. In the gentlemen category, bottom row, first on the left, is daddy dadee, you know who! =)

Ladies first! Gentlemen

little space for prayer

So I decided to keep on this theme of photographs again for today. Here is a picture of one of my little spaces for prayer.

a new year with friends

Wendy and Lady V at the fun progressive dinner! Thanks Brauns and Berry's!

my day at the park

So most you might not know that taking pictures is a hobby of mine. I don't do it that often and think I have much room to improve but am trying to start taking them more often. If you've ever been to my house, you will see many of my framed photographs from various parts of the world. There is a local nature center that I love to go to so I decided that this would be where I would try the sport of photography. Some of the pictures aren't so great but each one reminds me so much of the peace of God.

Enjoy!

A Word of Wisdom from Tertullian

"a controversy over the Scriptures can produce nothing more than. . . a headache and a stomachache"

-Tertullian

Oh how true this is!

Just For Laughs!

To Know God

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

I love how the greetings of the Church change according to the calendar. Even these greetings changing are to me a reminder of Christ. Just one more reminder, that has been given to me by the wisdom of saints of old. I know that I need all the reminders that I can get to remember God. I am so thankful in this new year that I have so many tangible reminders at my finger tips of God's presence. I have the nave and the narthex of the church building. I have the icons that remind me that my faith is alive and it is bigger than me. I have the icons also to remind me that I am never alone in my Christian struggle. Many saints have gone before and many will follow. The candles lit before them remind me that the light of Christ shines in them and that same Light shines in me through the Holy Spirit. I have the sweet smell of incense reminding me that God hears our prayers that rise to Him like the incense rises to my nostrils. The vestments and even the colors of them remind me to remember the life of Christ and of His saints. I have the Holy Scriptures--I can read them and I can hear them. I am reminded of God's presence every time I see a human being. We are the living icon of God. We were made in His image. When I see people, I also am reminded of God. Of course I always have the witness of creation to remind me again of the Divine Presence.

Today I find myself so thankful that I have been given so many ways, so many helpful tools, to know God and experience Him. May this new year be filled with greater depths into God!

The Truth

“In Christianity truth is not a philosophical concept nor is it a theory, a teaching, or a system, but rather, it is the living theanthropic hypostasis - the historical Jesus Christ (John 14:6). Before Christ men could only conjecture about the Truth since they did not possess it. With Christ as the incarnate divine Logos the eternally complete divine Truth enters into the world. For this reason the Gospel says: ‘Truth came by Jesus Christ’ (John 1:17).”

-- St. Justin Popovich

Description of the Icon "Jesus, Lover of Humanity"

This icon (4 feet x 2 feet) depicts Jesus, the Compassionate One with open arms embracing the Father's creation. His standing in a dynamic position signifies His ongoing and sacramental presence to the Church by the Holy Spirit.

In keeping with the Syriac art tradition of the monk Rubbula from 586 A.D., the arches and dome represent the life of glory in the heavenly kingdom, the immortality and the incorruptibility of eternal life.
The Rubbula cross, (a cross within a circle) symbolizes 1) that all life comes from and returns to God; and 2) that our earthly existence is divinized by Jesus, the Savior of the world.

The icon's panels on each side of the Lord represent two miracles He performed. The left panel represents Christ healing the paralytic man and restoring him to wholeness and health of body and spirit. The right panel depicts Christ with the apostles performing the miracle of the loaves and fishes and feeding His followers, a theme which has overtones of Christ's feeding the Church in His Eucharist.

Christian Video Game? To be or not to be..?

Wow! Any thoughts out there in cyberspace? Things are getting crazy out there!

Groups urge chain to drop Christian game
By Hiawatha Bray, Globe Staff December 13, 2006

A coalition of liberal groups has launched an effort to persuade Wal-Mart to stop selling "Left Behind: Eternal Forces," a Christian video game in which players can kill unbelievers.

"It's very dangerous for civilized society and for constitutional democracy itself," said Frederick Clarkson editor of Talk2Action.org, a liberal religious website. Clarkson has joined forces with two other groups, the Campaign to Defend the Constitution and the Christian Alliance for Progress, to urge Wal-Mart to halt sale s of the game.

"Left Behind: Eternal Forces" was inspired by a series of novels that have sold more than 60 million copies. The books describe "the Rapture," a concept from fundamentalist Christian theology in which all true believers in Jesus Christ mysteriously disappear and go to heaven, leaving Earth inhabited only by unbelievers. In the books, many of those left behind become Christians, while others join forces with an evil politician who is eventually revealed as the Antichrist, enemy of all religions and all virtue.

In the game, Christians travel through New York City, converting "neutral" citizens to the faith, and trying to stay out of the clutches of the Antichrist's minions. The game encourages players to use prayer and the singing of hymns to defend themselves. But they can also create military units that can kill the Antichrist's forces.

This aspect dismayed Timothy F. Simpson, a Presbyterian pastor and interim president of the Christian Alliance for Progress. Simpson said "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" was "antithetical to the gospel of Jesus Christ" and urged Wal-Mart to withdraw "a dangerous and immoral game."
But Wal-Mart shows no sign of bowing to the game's critics. "As always, the decision on what merchandise we offer in our stores is based on what we think our customers want the opportunity to buy," said a statement issued by the company.
Left Behind Games co founder Troy Lyndon said the game is presently sold in only about 200 of Wal-Mart's 3,800 US stores. "It really wouldn't affect us much if they took it out of Wal-Mart anyway," he said.

Indeed, Lyndon said he resisted selling the game in more Wal-Mart stores, because he doesn't like the way the giant retailer is marketing it. Lyndon said that Wal-Mart puts the game in its computer gaming section. That would normally make sense, but this game is intended for Christian consumers who aren't avid gamers and usually don't visit that part of the store. That's why Lyndon's company is also pushing the game in Christian bookstores. Lyndon said that early sales of the game have been "terrific," but refused to provide specific data.
Lyndon said the campaign against the game could boost sales. "We're excited in some regard about the press, because it's getting people to say, 'What's up with this thing?' " But he also worries that over time, the criticism could depress sales. "If they . . . start ranting and raving," Lyndon said, "it could be damaging."

Lyndon rejected his critics' claims that the game celebrates violence and religious intolerance. "There's no killing in the name of God," he said. While players can use violence to achieve objectives, repeated use of deadly force will cause a player's soldiers to desert to the enemy. Lyndon said avid gamers would never play "Left Behind: Eternal Forces" if it had no violence. But he said the game gives its greatest rewards to those who use nonviolence to win.
But Talk2Action's Clarkson said the game, which is rated T for teenagers and older, teaches intolerance and brutality in the name of God. He called it "an instructional video for religious warfare."

© Copyright 2006 The New York Times Company

forgive us. . . as we forgive those who trespass against us

Prayer Regarding Critics and Enemies by Serbian Orthodox Bishop

By Bishop Nikolai Velimirovic, Serbian bishop who spoke out against Naziism, was arrested, and taken to Dachau.
Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Enemies have driven me into your embrace more than friends have.
Friends have bound me to earth; enemies have loosed me from earth and have demolished all my aspirations in the world.

Enemies have made me a stranger in worldly realms and an extraneous inhabitant of the world.
Just as a hunted animal finds safer shelter than an unhunted animal does, so have I, persecuted by enemies, found the safest sanctuary, having ensconced myself beneath Your tabernacle, where neither friends nor enemies can slay my soul.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless and do not curse them.
They, rather than I, have confessed my sins before the world. They have punished me, whenever I have hesitated to punish myself. They have tormented me, whenever I have tried to flee torments. They have scolded me, whenever I have flattered myself. They have spat upon me, whenever I have filled myself with arrogance. Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

Whenever I have made myself wise, they have called me foolish. Whenever I have made myself mighty, they have mocked me as though I were a [fly].

Whenever I have wanted to lead people, they have shoved me into the background.
Whenever I have rushed to enrich myself, they have prevented me with an iron hand.
Whenever I thought that I would sleep peacefully, they have wakened me from sleep.
Whenever I have tried to build a home for a long and tranquil life, they have demolished it and driven me out.

Truly, enemies have cut me loose from the world and have stretched out my hands to the hem of your garment.

Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.
Bless them and multiply them; multiply them and make them even more bitterly against me:
So that my fleeing will have no return; So that all my hope in men may be scattered like cobwebs; So that absolute serenity may begin to reign in my soul; So that my heart may become the grave of my two evil twins: arrogance and anger;
So that I might amass all my treasure in heaven; Ah, so that I may for once be freed from self-deception, which has entangled me in the dreadful web of illusory life.

Enemies have taught me to know what hardly anyone knows, that a person has no enemies in the world except himself. One hates his enemies only when he fails to realize that they are not enemies, but cruel friends.

It is truly difficult for me to say who has done me more good and who has done me more evil in the world: friends or enemies. Therefore bless, O Lord, both my friends and my enemies. A slave curses enemies, for he does not understand. But a son blesses them, for he understands.
For a son knows that his enemies cannot touch his life. Therefore he freely steps among them and prays to God for them. Bless my enemies, O Lord. Even I bless them and do not curse them.

a quote and a picture

“And if any were to cast in prison a person who owed ten mites, and not the man himself only, but wife and children and servants for his sake; and another were to come and not to pay down the ten mites only, but to give also ten thousand talents of gold, and to lead the prisoner into the king’s courts, and to the throne of the highest power, and were to make him partaker of the highest honour and every kind of magnificence, the creditor would not be able to remember the ten mites; so hath our case been. For Christ hath paid down far more than we owe, yea as much more as the illimitable ocean is than a little drop.”

- ST. John Chrysostom, Epistle to the Romans, Homily X, Rom 5:17

Jeffrey Dahmer: Citizen of Heaven??

I found this article on belief.net. I found the concept quite fascinating. Any thoughts out there?
--------------------------------------

Saving Jeffrey Dahmer
The world knew Jeffrey Dahmer as a hardened killer. But one pastor knew him as a forgiven sinner.

By Roy Ratcliff with Lindy Adams

When Wisconsin minister Roy Ratcliff received a phone call that an inmate at a nearby prison wanted to be baptized, he had no idea that the prisoner in question was Jeffrey Dahmer--a man known worldwide for his crimes of murder, dismemberment and cannibalism.
After performing the requested baptism in 1994, Ratcliff began traveling to the prison for weekly one-hour meetings with Dahmer. In a new book, Ratcliff discusses his experiences--and whether Dahmer's conversion was genuine.

One of the most common questions put to me about Jeff has to do with the sincerity of his faith. And I usually hear this from Christians. They ask if Jeff was truly sincere in his desire for baptism and in his Christian life. My answer is always the same: Yes, I am convinced he was sincere.

This question bothers me. Why question the sincerity of another person’s faith? Baptism represents a change in lifestyle. A person is expected to change after being baptized. When people don’t change, we begin to wonder. Why were they baptized? Did they did not fully comprehend what was involved?

I can understand those kinds of questions.

But Jeff’s circumstance was different. The people asking me didn’t know about his post-baptismal life. They were basing their question on what he did before he was baptized, not after. That bothers me.

Jeff was judged not by his faith, but by his crimes. The questioner always seemed to hope I’d answer: “No, he wasn’t sincere.” The questioner seemed to be looking for a way to reject Jeffrey as a brother in Christ instead of seeing him as a sinner who has come to God. The subtext of such questions was simple. They didn’t want to think of Jeff as a brother. Such ungraciousness is contrary to the Christian spirit.

Was Jeff saved? Were his sins taken away? Is he a Christian believer? Did he repent of his sins? Or was the blood of Christ shed on the cross somehow too weak, too thin, too anemic to cover his sins? Did Jeff mean it when he said, “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. God help me, I’ll never do that again”?

Why was it inconceivable that Jeffrey Dahmer could come to faith?

I became convinced of Jeff’s sincerity by one happening. On a certain visit we came to the end of our study time together. The prison guard had given us the signal, but right then, before I stood to leave, Jeff bared his soul.

“I feel very, very bad about the crimes I’ve committed. In fact, I think I should have been put to death by the state for what I did.”

“I agree with you,” I said. “You should have been put to death by the state for the crimes you committed.”

He replied, “If that is true, am I sinning against God by continuing to live?”

“Boy, you sure picked a time to bring this up,” I answered. “We can’t go into all this now, but I can see where you are going.” I asked him to read the first half of Romans 13 (13:1-7) before my next visit. “That passage relates to your question,” I said.

“I will. Take care – I’ll see you next time,” he said as I left.

On the drive home all this ran through my mind. Jeff was thinking of suicide. Would he take matters into his own hands and kill himself? Did he feel so bad about himself that he no longer wanted to live?

At my next meeting with Jeff, I began with his question, “Am I sinning against God by continuing to live?”

I told him, “Romans 13 does say God has placed a sword in the hand of the governing authority. That’s why I agreed with you last week when you said you thought the state should have put you to death.”

“Yes,” he replied. “But has the state failed its duty by not putting me to death?”

“I can’t answer that question. I can say that God has put a sword in the state’s hand, and the state has that right from God. This state has apparently chosen to lay down its sword and take up a rod instead.

“What is our responsibility to the state?” I asked him.

“Well, it says the Christian must submit to the governing authority,” Jeff replied.

“Right. We aren’t to judge the state for what the state has decided to do, but submit to the state. By continuing to live, you are submitting to the state.”

“I see,” he said, thinking about what I had said.

“What that means is that you must try to be the best prisoner you can be. You must not disobey the rules, nor subvert the system. You accept your position as a prisoner of the state for life, and serve God as best as you can for as long as God allows you to live.”

“Okay,” was all he said.

But I wasn’t finished with him yet. “When you ask, ‘Am I sinning by continuing to live?’ are you implying that you are thinking of suicide?” I pressed.

“Yes, I admit I’ve thought of suicide. But when I thought I should take my life, I just couldn’t do it,” he confessed. "My main concern is that I do the right thing,“ he replied.

After that, how could I question Jeff’s sincerity? Jeff wanted to please God. He knew he had done terrible things, and he needed me to tell him that his life mattered regardless. I could relate to how he felt. I understood his heart.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/203/story_20399_1.html